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re: re: Need advice

re: re: re: Need advice

Yes, it does sound like a difficult situation. She does sound manipulative. People looking in from outside often have a good perspective, as they aren't emotionally involved. And normally it would be a wonderful thing for the grandkids to have a close, confiding, relationship with Grandma, but not when it is only for her to use them as pawns against you and your husband or at a risk of their Health or well being. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I will keep your family in my prayers.

re: re: re: Need advice

Thank you for the prayers... we need them. Our pastor advised us to cut off contact with her in the past. I was days from going into labor and she was in our house (supposedly to help out), ranting and raving.... cussing at us... screaming at us, at the top of her longs, while she was pacing back and forth. It was extremely stressful. My dad has also told us to cut her out of our lives. He said she has mental problems and will destroy our family if we let her. I just need to know how to do this. It's a difficult thing to do.

re: re: re: Need advice

"""Thank you, Candycane! That helps. I was trying to talk to her, but she was just talking over me... then she hung up. The first issue was that she knew about something our son did (that was dangerous) and didn't tell us about it for weeks. I was obviously very upset about this. We talked about it, and she said that if she runs to us and tells us everything, he won't confide in her anymore. So, she handled it as if she were the parent, which I feel is inappropriate.

She also lets the kids run to her and tell if they get in trouble. For example, if we ground one of the kids, they'll call her and complain. She'll then tell us it isn't fair, etc., which undermines our authority. Then the kids will say, "Well Grandma said..." It's like she is trying to be the cool grandma."""

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I read all of this and it made me so sad. I can so relate. (did you see my thread about "my mother doesn't like me"...and "now my sister"). These sort of people usurp your authority, seek to undermine the relationship and try to "win" affections in the wrong way.

Your anger was righteous. Your mother is out of line.

Maybe it's time for your husband to speak to her, as the head of the home? She needs to stop. I am appalled that she failed to tell you something concerning about a child; she's incredibly self centered, selfish, and not concerned with what is best for the child.

re: re: re: Need advice


Wow, this sounds like a toxic situation! The fact that she is so angry that she would run all over you (and your dh, I presume) and alienate (or at least try to) your dc against you! You really have your hands full with this.

I agree with every response I've read (p. 1), especially Bec's. I agree that you absolutely do not have to subject yourself or your dc to her hateful behavior. IMHO, you should not do that, as it is so destructive to your family.

Remember what the Lord said to Adam and Eve in the Garden about leaving their parents and cleaving to each other. (That was clearly for their descendants since they didn't have parents. :) Your allegiance now is to your own family.

Above All, PRAY for wisdom from the Lord (James 1:5). Fast and pray if you are physically able. If your dh will pray in agreement w/ you, that would be Wonderful! I will pray for you and your family. ((((hugs))))

ETA: Just read p. 2. I agree with your pastor and your dad. HTH

This post was edited on Sep 13, 2017 09:14 PM

re: re: re: Need advice

Oh what a mess.

I have not read everyone else's responses so forgive me if this is redundant.

I just want to point out that you are justified.

If she isn't talking to you, and you also fear that she could do something harmful to your house hold then you are better off.

What I think you need are boundaries. You know that you can't change her, nor can you make her do what you want, but you can control how you respond to her and you can in many ways limit your contact and your children's contact with her.

I am sure others gave you good advice.

But what I am concerned most about is that you may have an issue that is really between you and your children more than an issue between you and mom.

What I mean is this, your child should not be tattling on you to your mom, and your child should never being telling you grandma's opinion, you are not a democracy and you are not deciding things based on a popular vote outcome.

I think you should look for ways to help your children understand that they have crossed a line and are breaking a trust in the family.



And just possibly, about your mom...did she when she heard about the dangerous thing you son did, did she address it in a mature and appropriate manner with your son.

If she did attempt to be a good influence, then perhaps your mom fear is getting the best of you. There are plenty of things parents never know about but others taught them on.

If she didn't handle it appropriately then maybe she has wronged you, but maybe she hasn't if it finally came out, what I mean is she did tell you didn't she? So then maybe in the end she did the right thing even though it may have taken to long.

And lets also define dangerous. I am sure it was dangerous and don't doubt you on that, but it is also true that parents of today have defined dangerous differently than parents in your mom's generation, meaning today we are more fearful generally while a mature mother grandmother may see this in a different light and they may not be so wrong...

I type these things out just in case they may help make a bridge between you and your mom, and I hope also that you can see that your child has sinned against you. It is easy to blame your mom, but I think the issue is really with the child.

re: re: re: Need advice

Martinbeef66, I checked out your thread... so sad. Very similar sounding, isn't it? I don't understand why some people are like this. My husband did talk to her... she is just as nasty to him, and just tries to blame him for everything.

gr8fl2bHis, I do think it's toxic. I just don't know how to end it. It's hard when it's a parent. I really appreciate the prayers for wisdom in how to handle the entire situation.

lizbeth, I do agree that there is an issue with our children doing this, also. It's just hard to be too upset with them, because this is their grandmother that they are close to. They don't realize what she is doing. We are definitely talking to them about it. They seem to be better... I think maybe deep down they know something isn't right. I think when we told them "no more", it kind of took a burden off of them. I'm not sure they really knew what to do/think.

You pegged it correctly, as far as how it seems to have become a democracy. I'm not sure how she got involved in our daily business... it really is strange. And it's like everything is up for discussion. Punishments, homeschool, etc. It's like I have to shut her down or she feels like she has a lot of control in what goes on in our household. She also seems to think she is the family therapist or something, when we don't need that.

She did tell our son not to do what he did (and yes, she agrees that it was dangerous). I just do not believe in hiding info about a minor from their parents. She would not have appreciated that either, had it happened to her when her children were young, so I know she knows it isn't right. What if he wouldn't have listened to her, and continued doing it?

re: re: re: Need advice

I have been through some very difficult situations with my mother. When I was a young mother, every time she came from out of town to visit, my women's Bible study prayed for me and that was the only way it was tolerable.

Eventually, something happened that I told her made me extremely uncomfortable. She denied that anything had happened. I responded that I would no longer be coming to stay with her due to that and she was not welcome to come to my house. And I stuck with that. I would go to the town where she lived, but I wouldn't stay with her. I can't remember what she did about visiting with us. I think she stayed with other friends.

As a child, I put up with a lot and things didn't change until as an adult, I drew a line in the sand and refused to let her come over.

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