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re: re: Need advice

Need advice

I got into an argument with my mother over her not respecting our rules for our children. I tried twice to talk to her about it, and she wouldn't listen to what I had to say. She yelled at me and hung up. I also messaged her and she did not respond.

I keep thinking about this:
22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;

24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.

Does this mean I have to just accept her behavior just to make up with her? That sounds silly, even typing it, but I'm still worried. I don't know how to make peace with her, without allowing the behavior to continue. And I don't want to be in the wrong before God. What should I do?

re: Need advice

No, Faith, it doesn't mean you need to accept her behavior just to make up with her. It's not fair that she hung up on you, is refusing to hear how you feel, and is not responding to your text.

Did you yell at your mom? Or just trying to have a discussion and she refused to listen?

You should be able to set rules for your own children, and your mother should show you respect. Even if she does not agree with the rules, she should respect you as an adult and a mother.

My mom has hung up on me like that several times over very similar circumstances. I wish I would have handled it differently then, but I was such a young mother. I remember her hanging up on me and then my crying afterward. For me, this was a chronic pattern and once my very young son saw me crying because of this. I don't think that is good.

Its good you want to do the right thing, and that you want to make up with your mom. I don't know if this is typical of how she treats you or if this is just one isolated misunderstanding. But you can gently inform her that she must respect you as a mother. If she will not, then, if it were me (and I should have done this when mine were younger) I would GENTLY inform her that you will visit her with your children, but you will not be leaving them alone with her until you can trust her to respect your wishes.(if that is possible for you).

Please don't stress about being hurt and angry. Being a Christian does not mean being a door mat. You don't have to be mean to your mom, but I think this could escalate and do more harm if you don't stand firm.

re: Need advice

Those verses are about how we are to deal with a brother in Christ, when you see the word "brother' know that that means "brother in Christ" and not just any person who may or may not be related. This is how to deal with a person who has sinned against you.

First you need to see if you sinned against her and if you did, you need to apologize.

How do you deal with her now? Treat her with love and respect Christian or not please know that she is just another sinner in need of forgiveness like you. (and me)

re: Need advice

Thank you, Candycane! That helps. I was trying to talk to her, but she was just talking over me... then she hung up. The first issue was that she knew about something our son did (that was dangerous) and didn't tell us about it for weeks. I was obviously very upset about this. We talked about it, and she said that if she runs to us and tells us everything, he won't confide in her anymore. So, she handled it as if she were the parent, which I feel is inappropriate.

She also lets the kids run to her and tell if they get in trouble. For example, if we ground one of the kids, they'll call her and complain. She'll then tell us it isn't fair, etc., which undermines our authority. Then the kids will say, "Well Grandma said..." It's like she is trying to be the cool grandma.

When I was a child, she had a rule that we were not to talk negatively about her to others. Yet, she seems to be encouraging my children to complain about us to her. I mentioned that to her (along with other issues) and she just got defensive, talked over me, and hung up.

She has not been very supportive of us homeschooling. She is also a very dramatic person. She has threatened us before.

I should probably add in that there are court records (in my sibling's child custody case) that state that my mother led the child to speak against her father... and allege abuse. We do not know if she did or didn't. She claims the person who said that was just crooked.

We are concerned that she could try this with our children. She has tried to get our children to turn against my husband in the past. When they said that what she said wasn't the truth, she got extremely angry and said they must just have rose colored glasses on. She refused to hear that they did not agree with her. This was during one of her rants where she was yelling and cussing at my husband and I (in front of the children).

I just do not like strife. I don't like to stress and worry about this type of thing, but at the same time, I want her behavior to stop.

This post was edited on Sep 13, 2017 05:19 PM

re: Need advice

lizbeth, thank you for your response. I'm not sure if I sinned against her. I was very upset with her and told her why. I told her she isn't going to keep doing those types of things. She went off on me and
now refuses to speak with me. I do not feel like I was disrespectful to her.

re: re: Need advice

Wow, faith. You are far more tolerant and loving than I would be in those types of situations! You can love your mother and still distance your children and your husband and you from her and if I had a mother who was undermining my authority, encouraging my children to disrespect and even disobey me or their father, and buddied up to the grandchildren to get them to confide in her dangerous behavior, and didnt tell you, I, quite frankly, wouldn't allow my children anywhere near her, in person OR unsupervised on the phone! And that's not even counting that she has accused a siblings ex spouse of abuse and tried to get your children to lie about their father?

And you mention she had a rule growing up that no one was allowed to speak negatively of her, yet she can do all those negative things and try to destroy parental respect and authority? That's not a mother's love for her daughter or a grandma's love for her grandchildren. That is a straight up narcissistic personality and I'd keep my kids away from her and not worry about hurting her feelings. I don't believe God will judge you negatively for that. As parents we must protect and do what is best for our children.

This post was edited on Sep 13, 2017 05:28 PM

re: re: Need advice

I'd also like to add that of course she isn't willing to listen to you. Because she is thinking how dare you speak negatively about her. Even if she didn't hang up on you, she doesn't sound like she would hear a word you tried to say anyway.

re: re: Need advice

I do agree with you, Bec-rockz... it's just difficult. I do think my niece's father might be abusive... it's just difficult to sort out the truth in that situation. My sister says that he is, and I do believe her. I just don't know whether or not my mom led my niece at some point. CPS says she did, but she claims the worker was just crooked and siding with him because she was the same race.

My husband and I are not perfect parents, as none of us are, but I feel like my mother gets enjoyment out of our mistakes. I don't know if that is me jumping to conclusions, but she really does seem to enjoy when they run to her about stuff. And she encourages it. Even after I asked her to stop discussing our family matters with our children, the very next day she told our son, "You know you can talk to me anytime, about anything, right?" I told my dad about this (he's retired now, but was a judge), he said that is her trying to lead our son right there.

I thought the same as you... that I should cut her off, or at least supervise it, but then I wondered if I was overreacting. Honestly, she was not very nice to me when I was young and I still think she manipulates me. Many people have said this over the years after hearing about the things she does. I just don't know how to actually cut her off. She yelled at me about that the other day right before she hung up. She said something along the lines of, "And if you keep the grandkids away from me, then... " and I have no idea what she said after. I keep wracking my brain. I don't know if I started responding and that is why I can't remember, or what.

This post was edited on Sep 13, 2017 05:40 PM


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