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And sister

re: And sister

I have mentioned in the past that my mom is also most difficult.

And it is true that sin is at the root of all of this, it is true that my mom is a sinner, in need of forgiveness

just like me

I chime in at this point, because while our mom's didn't measure up, and in many ways let us down, and in many ways are nicer to others, and in many cases we learned from that how not to be...

It is not quite true that they were selfish, or purely selfish or self serving.

What I mean by this is what I have been coming to learn.

The very fact that we can sit here chat is proof that our mother's served us well, it just happens to be in places we often forget.

Or neglect to recognize.

What does Christ mean when he tells us to serve our neighbor? Or to serve the least of these.

Who is more least than a new born baby. If the mother doesn't care for that child's needs that baby will perish.

I point this out to help with the healing.

Our mothers provided us this life and they provided for us daily that we might continue to live when we were in their care.

This is no little thing, with all their sinful ways we must still recognize that they served us. They did the good work God gave them to do. Yes they could have done things better, but I offer this in order to give us perspective.

re: And sister

There's a lot of truth to that, lizbeth. All of us were born in sin, and were it not for the grace of God, we'd all be on our way to the most horrible eternity that anyone could ever (not be able to) imagine.

It's funny/ironic, but your post reminded me of something I meant to add earlier (I was distracted right then by other things I needed to do this evening).

My mother was perfect. Absolutely perfect. I say that in all honesty. Our home was always perfect. You could not find a speck of dust anywhere. Laundry was always done, perfectly. Meals were perfect. She was way ahead of her time in many ways in that respect and others too. I never lacked for any thing I needed. She worked very hard to ensure all this was done while working a full-time job most of the time. I wish I could say that I've been perfect like that.

I have seen news stories about mothers who were not like that at all, whose dc suffered in ways I did not, and I'm sure in ways others here also did not suffer.

I became fully aware of this a couple of decades ago and thanked God for that over and over again.

At the same time, the fact that I had every thing except her love is actually addressed in the Bible -- I Corinthians 13. I believe you have referenced that very scripture passage before.

Eta: That chapter references believers in general, not anyone specifically. My mother has been a professed believer as long as I have known her. Believers are not perfect, of course. I'm just addressing that angle and how it affected my life for many years.

I should also add the fact that although I did not even realize I needed a loving mom at the time, I ended up marrying a guy whose mom loved and accepted me in a way I had never experienced before. I've often said that I learned from her how to be a mom. So I am extremely thankful for that precious gift.

This post was edited on Sep 12, 2017 09:57 PM

re: And sister

One thing that stood out to me in the original post was this:

"My sister has serious control issues to the point that she is meddling with my adult children and trying to be "their best friend".

I think one key here is that these are your ADULT children. At some point you have to step away and let them decide how they will navigate this relationship with their aunt and realize that their relationship with her will be theirs to define. They are insightful and they love you. Trust them and be there for them if THEY want your help, intervention or guidance.


Have not read all the replies yet so forgive me if I repeat.

re: And sister

CandyCane, I was giving you a compliment on my couch comment. Rereading it didn't sound that way. Sorry, but, I was trying to imply you are insightful in my humorous way. Sometimes it backfires.

re: And sister

gr8fl, you are so right in that, when you are young, you often don't see the reality of it all. It's when you get older and have your own children that you begin to process these things. I can tell you are a great mom (been here awhile) and that's the most important thing of all. That we come out of it strong and instead of repeating the cycle, we instead become fantastic, loving moms. It's wonderful to have been given that chance.

And I do remember seeing harp here. I don't remember much, but I do remember seeing her here. It is amazing that you see the same dynamic in a small group of women. I've found many blogs and discussions where people are dealing with parents and spouses that are exactly this. Not speaking in regard to martin beef's situation (because it's hard to know if this applies there, but the whole NPD parent, boyfriend, spouse is not all too uncommon. The whole dynamic of an NPD parent choosing a golden child with one or more scapegoat children is a very diagnosable thing. It's real and it's painful for anyone who gets caught up in it whether it's through work, marriage, or innocent, helpless children who have no way to protect themselves. It's abuse. Plain and simple. Abusers need to be revealed/seen for who they are and victims need support.

I can tell from your post that you've experienced a lot of hurt, and it's so painful and sad. But it also sounds as if you didn't let that get you down in life. :)

And, yes, of course we are thankful for what our parents have given us and done for us. But this is also what makes it so hard and painful. Moms are supposed to love us. When we don't feel that unconditionally, and we are verbally, emotionally, and physically abused, we still love our moms because they are our moms. So we do recognize that, but it's a huge blow when you are trying, but your balloon gets deflated over and over again.

That's really all I can say about this aspect of it, because anyone who hasn't been through it just can't understand. And I do understand that.

You know, it's okay with God if we are angry, bitter, and hurt from being mistreated by others. It's not a bad thing to be angry. We can feel what we feel and still honor our parents, and appreciate them for what they were able to give. And God isn't angry with us for not being "Christian" enough by allowing ourselves to be angry. He understands. We are human.

My own mom has been through her own severe childhood trauma. That could very well play a large part in why she is the way she is. So I feel sorry that she went through what she went through. It hurts me to know this.It doesn't excuse abusive behavior, though.

The most important thing for me is that I now know that it was never my fault. There is nothing wrong with me. I'm not perfect, but I am no better or worse than the person standing next to me. I didn't always feel that way. My mom somehow instilled in me that there was "something" she didn't like about me, but my brother was accepted. She often compared me to relatives she didn't like. That hurt runs deep. I used to think if she only knew the real me inside, she would know that I have a good heart and I'm not bad. Now I realize it wouldn't have mattered. The problem is hers and this is the way SHE is. Just in the last six months I have come to realize this.

I remember reading this somewhere: You are not broken in need of repair; you are wounded in need of healing.

re: And sister

Oh, Minnie! Just saw your post. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I am "talking" way too much, and just felt bad about it. Thank you for complimenting me. Hoping everything is okay with you down there in FL!!

re: And sister

candycane I had the same thing,

You haven't talked too much, you have been very helpful for many, you have blessed us all!

Thank you!

re: And sister

Lizbeth, are you saying your mom was this way, too?

Thanks for the kind words. :)


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