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re: My mother doesn't like me.

re: My mother doesn't like me.

It's too bad that your mom feels like such a failure. Maybe a hug and a bit of praise will help her see that she did a good job bringing you up.

My mom does the same thing, I'm just thankful that she isn't as bad as my MIL was. My MIL didn't treat me any different than her other DILs.

Just know you are not the only one who lives with this.
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Someone who complains all the time might be suffering from some sort of minor degenerative condition. At her age that would be normal.
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Your sister is a control freak! Can you imagine what she says to your mother if your mother doesn't comply with her wishes? Let it go, your sister does this to get under your skin. If she can't get under your skin she will either stop or get worse.
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I remember sitting with my grandmother after she had a stroke. In her mind, she was waiting for her little boy to come home from school. This son didn't do much for her and lived far away but he was her favorite. Her other sons shouldered her care for years! I was miffed that she felt that way. It seems like you always want what you don't have.
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This post was edited on Sep 04, 2017 10:11 AM

re: My mother doesn't like me.

martinbeef6, I just responded to my "friendship grief" post a few moments ago and mentioned that one of my sisters is much like my camping friend, and that my camping weekend reminded me of your situation with your sister. As someone else said, your sister relationship makes total sense when you factor in the mom situation.

Thank you for sharing your hurt with us; when we share, it helps in the lives of others. And, it helps us to realize we're not alone and not imagining our own situation!

It's almost impossible to confront family with these kinds of hurts. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to allow others to bear our burden, and turn to our blessed Redeemer for the comfort that only He can give.

{{hugs}}

re: My mother doesn't like me.

I have no advice, but please know, I do understand. You are not alone, Susan. I am so sorry.

re: My mother doesn't like me.

I think at some point we all come to see that our parents are, in the end, simply people. Flawed like all.

This can be a sad reality, but also can allow you to breathe a sigh of relief.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, but your insight might help you understand her and accept her actions and learn to deal with them, even though it hurts greatly.

Anne

re: My mother doesn't like me.


I'm so sorry, MB -- you're in good company here; you're not the only one who has experienced this. There is SO much wisdom in this thread!

I can more easily understand the problem of a mother being affected by a cold mother herself if she is cold to all her dc. It is when she treats one (or more) very nicely, but singles out one for rejection that I wonder if that is the problem. But one thing is for sure: The Lord KNOWS all about it. You can take it to Him and cast all your cares upon Him.

ITA about forgiving; sometimes you may have to do that day after day (or many times a day) if fresh hurts occur. Forgiveness releases us from the factors that lead to bitterness and resentment. I am often reminded that the Lord has forgiven us exponentially more than anything anyone else could ever do to us. As Jesus said, "Freely you have received. Freely give."

Someone mentioned something which has been a real blessing in my own life: Let the favored sibling do for your mom, since that's what your mom seems to prefer. That alone will take a whole lot of pressure off of you. I love what kesa and M4J said about establishing healthy boundaries. In a contradictory way, your sis and mom are helping you do that. IMHO, that's a silver lining.

Speaking only for myself, 'cause I know everyone's journey is different, accepting the situation as it is (after the Lord enabled me to see it as it really is) enabled me to let go of all expectations. Putting everything in God's hands was and is so freeing. You can pray for her every day and leave everything in His hands. God bless you, dear one. :)

re: My mother doesn't like me.

Martinbeef, I haven't posted in awhile. Your post caught my eye and I just had to respond. My heart breaks for you because I know exactly what you are talking about. I'm 53, and just a few months ago, for the first time in my life, I stumbled across something that seems to explain everything. It was huge to realize that, after thinking "something" just isn't right between me and my mom (my whole life) and always thinking it was "me"........ it is not me. It's her. I think my mom has narcissistic personality disorder, probably along with a mix of some other Cluster B traits. The stories I could post here would shock you. The things she has done to hurt me since I was a very young child are so unbelievable. Lies, disrespect, verbal and emotional abuse, and even physical abuse. A lot of it goes on even now.

The thing I want to emphasize here is that most of the things done on a daily basis were so insidious. Others could not (and still don't) see it. She has a different personality around other people than she does when we were/are alone at home.

There have been very clear differences in how my brothers and I have been treated as we were growing up.

Your mom may not have a personality disorder, but it's painful to fully realize that there is something there you just can't "fix".

But please come to understand (as did I) that it is not you. There is nothing wrong with you. You are human like everyone else, with all your flaws, weaknesses, strengths, and unique personality.

See things for how they are and accept it. You have spent a life time with your mother, and if you feel she doesn't like you, then you are probably right. Love and accept your own self and accept that things will never be the way you want them to be with your mom. Grieve that and then move on. I have done this and it has changed my life.

I've never been able to tell my mom how badly she has hurt me, either when I was young or now. She doesn't know that I feel the way I do and I will never tell her. She is aging, too, and now I am going to do the best I can with the time she has left, but she can't hurt me anymore. I have grieved and moved on.

There is a great book by Karl McBride entitled "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" It's about NPD moms and their daughters. Your mom may not be NPD, but a lot of it will resonate with you and the advice McBride gives in the last few chapters will enable you to deal with these feelings that need to be processed.

It is a wonderful book.

re: My mother doesn't like me.

all of you....and candy cane (your book advice)...thank you.

Candy Cane said: "I've never been able to tell my mom how badly she has hurt me, either when I was young or now. She doesn't know that I feel the way I do and I will never tell her. She is aging, too, and now I am going to do the best I can with the time she has left, but she can't hurt me anymore. I have grieved and moved on."

Yes. I love my mother and am committed to honoring her and being kind and good to her, during her last years here. She, too, is aging..and I don't think that she's ever MEANT to do harm.


Sadly...tonight...I had a HUGE blow up with my sister. This WAS a 2 hour discussion that has NEVER occurred between us, largely because I've worked hard to be NICE and be peacekeeper for many, many years.. But my sister...like my mother...has to control everything and it must be PERFECT in every way (money, time, everything).

Today, she wayyyyyyyyy overstepped boundaries (again) by calling the venue I'm renting for my oldest daughter's baby shower (this coming Saturday) and getting information on set up time, etc etc from the rental agent....without consulting me.

I called the facility agent this morning and she was snarky with me. She said "You have a family member who has called me twice now, and I need to speak with only ONE person about this shower". I was dumbfounded...didn't know WHAT the lady was talking about...until my sister revealed to me, on phone this evening, that "Oh, I called the facility this morning to find out this and this"....I was like WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT???? !!!! This is a shower that I AM HOSTING....and now my sister is calling the facility to get details on set up time, etc...????
It was a very long conversation (too much to type here)....and my sister can argue her way out of a paper bag (I swear, she should be an attorney, because she can REASON anything)...She told me that I'm a poor communicator, that my son in law doesn' tthink I like him (???......I WAS SHOCKED AT THAT)...and on and on. I was literally sick inside.

I spoke from my heart, cried..told my sister that i loved her very much and am always soooo appreciative of all that she does. But, that her actions ....overstepping/controlling/manipulating....send a message that I am inadequate, that I cannot be trusted to do such and such "right". I 'm not sure my sister gets it or ever will...I tried to conduct myself as a Christian, be honest, be kind, be forthright...I spoke from my heart. I'm exhausted. it's been a long day!

This post was edited on Sep 05, 2017 10:24 PM

re: My mother doesn't like me.


I read the book by Dr. McBride entitled "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" I agree that many things in that book are very helpful. A lot of factors that have been mentioned here are addressed in that book, including one child being the 'scapegoat'.

candycane, I don't know if you ever saw it or participated in it, but there was also a website and discussion board by that title a few years ago. Some of the women who participated were extremely bitter (I got the impression they weren't Christians by other things they said), but there was a lot of good info there by other women and by Dr. McBride. That board was taken down a couple of years after that, and AFAIK it has not been revived.

I agree that when mothers like that are up in age, it's better to accept the situation as it is and not try to address it. The Lord has not led me to do that, but to wait on Him and let Him lead me. His love, wisdom, and power have led me to a whole new level of peace and joy and contentment.

(((Hugs))) to everyone here who has had to deal with this.

MB, I just saw your last post. I'm so sorry about your sister and wonder if that NPD issue applies to her? I would explain that situation to the woman who was irritable w/ you about your sis calling. That way, she can tell your sister (if she calls again) that she only needs/wants to talk to you.


This post was edited on Sep 05, 2017 10:33 PM

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