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re: My mother doesn't like me.

My mother doesn't like me.

ok; there. I said it.
As far back as I can remember, I've always had a "sense" that my mother didn't like me.
As a young child, she would scorn/frown/scowl at me...for anything and everything. (how I combed my hair; how I didn't "sit up straight" in church ). I recall being a young girl and either one of my grandmothers would come to my rescue at family events...hug me, hold me, "protect" me..I didn't realize it at the time, but my grandmothers knew that Mom was very hard on me. I have absolutely NO memory of my mother holding me in her lap, reading me a story book, or telling me that she loved me. I do not remember her ever kissing me on my head, or cheek...or anywhere for that matter. She provided for my needs, but I was never nurtured or ... loved. (my dad would kiss me and was sweet to me; he still is).

In young adulthood, young marriage, etc...Mom continued to be hypercritical of everything I did. I kept loving her, missing her (when I was gone away at college, I would call home and write very often)...and at the same time, I kept trying to be "me", while harboring this quiet voice inside (mom's) that was always disapproving of anything I did...of who I am, my mothering style, my housekeeping style, my choice of profession, etc. (Oh...Don't even get me started on my profession; at age 56, she STILL criticizes me and tells me that "You think you can save the world"). This is very sad to me. I've never been encouraged. I graduated 9th of 511 in high school...got a full ride academic scholarship to State University...never a celebration, party, nothing at graduation. My husband says: "You're a survivor"..I guess so.

So...now mom is 81...still in very good health but maybe a bit more frail. She's doing well.

And, her "dislike" of me (and esp. compared to my sister) is obvious...even still. It makes me sad, but as an adult woman...and mother of two grown daughters...I can step aside from it better now. I try to be kind, to be inclusive, and to do the right things for Mom and Dad.

Today is a perfect example of how mother is... Here is the latest.

I am hosting a baby shower for my oldest daughter next Saturday. This is our first grandchild.

Mom lives 5 minutes from me. I had planned all along to pick up my mom and drive her to the shower location with me (about 20 miles away, in the city near daughter).

Mom sends me a text today: "Your sister (who lives 45 miles away) is coming to get me for the shower; we both have big boxes to carry. I'll see you Saturday " (??).

Now...don't you find it odd that she would prefer to RIDE with my sister (and my sister would offer?)...when sister lives 45 miles in the OTHER direction? And, I live 3 miles down the same road?

This isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

We invited my parents to lunch after church today (they do not attend our church)....to meet up with all of our adult kids to celebrate youngest son's first wedding anniversary.
My mother complained and COMPLAINED about the choice of restaurant for last 2 days, until I changed it per her food choice (and then notified everyone else)...and then, the entire time we were eating lunch (husband and I paid the entire bill; they were our guests)...Mom complained about her food being "Cold"....and had nothing positive to say. Dad was with her and he seemed to enjoy himself. Even my husband, who is normally even tempered, said "of all people to have COLD FOOD, it would have had to have been your mother" (sad face). We invited my parents to spend some time with us after the meal...at son's house...but they were "tired" (mom's words) and needed to go to the grocery. (it was 2 p.m. on Sunday).

I'm not complaining. I"m just bewildered. It's sad to be 56 and know that your mother never really liked you?

The other piece to this puzzle is my sister. She is domineering to the maxxxx (every holiday/event, etc)...she always sends the "message" that I won't pull off the event/gift/whatever to her liking or style...So, she takes over the event/situation. I think part of Sister picking mother up is somehow part of the whole conspiracy that Susan can't seem to put on a baby shower/social event correctly (?) or something like that. it's just never good enough.

Makes me so sad. Thank goodness for faith in God.

re: My mother doesn't like me.

I hope sharing helps. It's hard. I can relate.
Faith helps us through with difficult people.
My mom wasn't the favorite and had a cold relationship with her mom, so I think that plays into our relationship.
Regardless, we gotta just live and know we are lovable.
God's given you amazing kids and hubby and now a grandchild. Focus on the love there and maybe it will ease the pain in time. Hugs
Michelle 32

re: My mother doesn't like me.

((((martinbeef))))) hugs to you.

I know all about never feeling good enough to mom. As I've shared here in other threads, mine is a professional musician. Music is her life. I have always known that she would have wished me to go further with my own musical training and pursued it as a career. When I quit piano at 14 she gave me the silent treatment for days (but I was also taking private cello lessons, playing in a youth symphony and singing in the church choir...it was never enough). Lots of other things too, that I won't go into here.

Talking about it helps. My therapist helped me understand it all and how to deal with her without getting my emotions in an uproar or letting her beat down my self-esteem.

I love her; she's my mom. But I'm also thankful I only see her in person once a year. Phone calls more than suffice the rest of the time. ;)

re: My mother doesn't like me.

Hugs, my imaginary friend. I could tell some doozies about my mom, too. We could really tell some doozies on her mom, and I remember my grandmother telling doozies about her mom. They always were harsh on their kiddos. I guess I picked it up, too.

But, there are some things I have noticed about you over the years that you got from your mom.

1. You are a perfectionist. Not to the point of obnoxious, but to the point of a higher standard.

2. You are successful. You have overcome many educational obstacles and many workforce obstacles.

3. You are a leader. And you are a negotiator.

4. You are a work horse. You do more than your share.

5. You are intelligent.

No sappy, coddling, pansy, toe kissing momma produces women like you. You got the best of her. So kiss that shameful momma for me. She did a good job as far as I can tell.

re: My mother doesn't like me.

It's incredibly difficult to understand why parents behave this way but the Bible mentions that a mother can forget her nursing child so I guess it's been happening for centuries :(

Even if one of my dc was the worst criminal on the planet I would still love him/her and never give up hope!

Your mom sounds like my dad & dh's parents.

I guess you can look at it this way: YOU rose above that attitude and love your dc and did nor did you let how she treated you affect your parenting which is AWESOME!

(hugs))

Not to detract from your post but it seems to be a theme with dh & I and several of our friends. Everyone one we know has a mom or dad or mother in law or father in law or sibling that hates them.

My father disowned me when I decided to become a Christian (raised in a cult, only child). Never met his grand daughter, never met my dh, told people that I was ignoring him or never even existed, then committed suicide on my birthday 10 years ago while clutching a box full of letters, cards, pictures from me plus drawings from the only grandchildren he had.

My dh's parents have never told him they love him, even when he lay dying in the hospital when his colon ruptured and the dr told them if they are a praying kinda people, they better beg whatever god they worship to save his life because he had a 10% chance of surviving the night (they are atheists). He always tells his mom he loves her when they are on the phone but she never reciprocates -- although they never have any trouble saying it to his older only sibling (sister) and her 3 children. Nice :P

They moved from AZ to CO without telling him--then when a card came from CO he asked her whats up with the CO postmark she says, "Oh I guess I forgot to mention we moved to CO last summer." lol.

His dad had 4 heart attacks in 3 months requiring quadruple bypass and they never told him until a family friend mentioned it; he asked his mom and her reason was she didn't want to upset him!

They have never acknowledged our dd--no bday gifts, Christmas, nothing. Came to ONE bday party in 15 years and brought a cheap doll after dh very carefully explained that she was terrified of dolls and not to bring her one AT.ALL. You could almost see a smug hostility dripping from her face as dd opened the box and promptly ran from the room in tears.

Some days you just wanna slap their face and scream WHY????? Not that you WOULD but ugh, the hatred parents exhibit toward their own flesh & blood is disturbing. All the children that die at the hands of their parents (or are m0l3sted) makes my heart ache.

I am sorry you are having so much problems with your mom & sister. I will pray for you to have peace that passes all understanding.

((more hugs))

re: My mother doesn't like me.

Aw, I can "hear" how sad this makes you. I'm sorry your mother is like that to you. Everyone needs and yearns for a close mother daughter relationship.

However, having "known" you here for 10 years, don't let her make you think you are anything less than who you are. You are a hard-working mom, wife, nurse, and daughter, even if she doesn't appreciate that! You can not please everyone, and it sounds as if there is nothing you can do to please her! And how we are raised affects how we raise our own dc. From everything I've heard you say, you never wanted your own dc to feel the way you do,and do all in your power to give them a happy, loving, secure relationship with you.

You are far more kind/patient than I am. I would have probably been rude at the lunch yesterday and pointed out the choice of restaurant was changed for her and her alone, and that if her food was cold she should complain to the waiter, who could fix it, not act like it was somehow your fault.

At ages 56 and 81, I doubt much will ever change,but you never know....it's never too late to try. Have you sat down and talked to your mom and explained how you feel and asked WHY she treats you this way? My boyfriend has a similar relationship with his mom. He is 54, spent 12 years of his life taking care of her when she had a stroke, religiously visits her now that she is in assisted living, and yet she clearly and openly favors his brother and sister over him. When we visit, she constantly calls him weird, makes fun of him, complains, etc. I asked her flat out why one time and she claims it is because when he was an infant he threw up on her. What?!? ALL babies throw up on their mom's. She treats my man like crap because he threw up as a baby?

So, with that example, sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. Sometimes it is a more serious issue....maybe she had major issues going on with your dad at some point that were effected in someway by her pregnancy with you or in your younger years that skewed her views. I would simply ask her and let her know how you feel. It will either help, or it won't change anything, but you won't be worse off than not knowing and feeling bad already.

re: My mother doesn't like me.

Everything that Minnie said!

And, now I can see that the trouble you posted in the past about your sister is really not so much about your sister, what I mean is she has been trained by your mother to believe that she is better at things then you are. And she believes from that that she can clean up the messes your mother describes to her and can also make her happy. Your mom has your sister to make her happy and you are now off the hook!!!

YOU cannot make her happy, and can celebrate what that really means. You no longer have to spend your time chasing your mom (or sister) looking for her approval and trying to impress her with the wonderful things you do or even offering rides or having her over. You get to go on with you life, being the mom you wished that you had, and you get to show up every now and then to check on her or socialize at a party your sister may have. YOu no longer have to worry, and plan and try to please her because you know it is futile!

Give your dad a hug when you see him and say hi to mom (knw that they both love you in their unique ways) and then go enjoy the people you really enjoy knowing that your mom is safe and that you no longer have to chase this idol of making her happy or wanting her to see how good you are at things. Accept her for what she really is and you will take a lot of pain and stress and worry out of your life. You are truly blessed to have her, she made you the strong person that you are, now see that and be thankful and go on, no longer a slave to her emotions.

This post was edited on Sep 04, 2017 08:07 AM

re: My mother doesn't like me.

Nothing says your own mother doesn't like you when she says to to you:

"The only reason why you were even born is because your father wanted you"

After many years of hearing that, I know that the issue is my mother's and not mine. I did not ask to be born. However, it doesn't mean that is doesn't hurt hearing that from your own mom.

I still helped my mother. I still visit her in the nursing home. I just know to keep my visits short and talks on the phone to a minimum. I refuse to be her punching bag any longer.

Just because she is my mother does not mean I should have to put up with it. I love her because she is my mother. However, that does not mean I have to like her.

So MB, do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from the emotional rollercoaster. And have no regrets doing so. ((hugs))

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