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I think I'm in an "understood betsy" situation

I think I'm in an "understood betsy" situation

My dd has been really difficult lately, and part of it is that she's kind of sick of me. As much fun as we had over the summer, it's been a lot of time together. A lot. She is now the proud owner of a horse. However, due to an injury, a fungus, medications and diet changes my dd has needed help caring for the horse, more than usual. Me being there, being on top of her, reminding or doing for her, it's just been a lot.

But, aside from that my dd is pretty dependent on me. Instead of letting her fail safely and then learn from her failures I'm in the habit of reminding and reminding and reminding.

So, to rectify that situation, we've done a few things:
1. All her classes are outsourced this year. Unless requested by the teacher, My plan is to let my dd do things her own way. She did have 2 outsourced classes last year, and she did pretty well. OUt of the whole year she only missed two deadlines, and one of those was while we were on vacation. ...so I am not throwing her to the wolves but it will be a new things that I don't say throughout the week, "did you check such and such? ...

2. We made lists for all the items she needs and put them by the door we leave from. We have a "going to the barn list" and a "going to homeschool academy" list

3. I am spending a little extra money to get food she likes that she can pack easily both for the barn and the academy.

4. I made sure all her folders and binders are neat, went over each syllabus with her carefully, made sure she understood class expectations, just so I know, that she knows, what's expected.

5. She has her own schedule, as well as a white board that she can make a to-do list every day and check it off as she goes.

I bought all gummy vitamins so she will be encouraged to take them on her own, and that is working. (She takes a lot for her ADD ish symptoms)

ANy more advice?? HOw about advice on how to BE QUIET when/if I think she is forgetting something ?

re: I think I'm in an "understood betsy" situation

And, what kind of consequences, do you give?

If I find out she missed an assignment, would she just miss her horse lesson or trip to the barn the next day (her horse would not be sad, she gets turned out, fed and cared for when we don't go there and actually appreciates an extra day off now and then :) )

If I find out somehow that she didn't tell me things were going badly and then she gets a C on her report card, what kind of consequence would I give?

re: I think I'm in an "understood betsy" situation

Sounds good to me. I'm just wondering where the Understood Betsy part comes in, lol. Is it that you're letting her do it all herself?

Which reminds me that it has been at least two years since I read that book; I'll have to go get it and put it on my nightstand. :-)

re: I think I'm in an "understood betsy" situation

HOw about advice on how to BE QUIET when/if I think she is forgetting something ?
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Why would you do this?? If I was forgetting something and someone else knew it, I hope that person would be gracious enough to remind me. Heaven knows there will be plenty of times when NO ONE remembers and that always stinks, but for Pete's sake, if you suspect she's forgetting something, a simple reminder should always be kindly given (and kindly received - if this is the issue, then there is a much bigger heart issue you best be addressing).

As far as consequences for poor performance in school, the key is timeliness and persistence. When getting feedback from the teacher, if dd is being lazy and not handing in assignments, since school must come first, then everything else must be abandoned to focus on the school. When the next report comes in that the grade is back where it should be, normal activities may resume.

Maybe I'm old-school and tough as nails, but I have a 100%!policy at home. You get a 100%. You repeat until you do. With every assignment. I am here to help with comprehension, but nothing else gets done until the work is done 100%. I believe in mastery (actually, so does the rest of the world outside school - whoever heard of anyone seeking out an inept doctor or accountant, or product if a closer-to-perfect alternative exists).

re: I think I'm in an "understood betsy" situation

Thanks, ELlie, I mean we are in an Understood Betsy situation as of yesterday....all of this- the new policy, the lists, etc, is all literally stuff I came up with today and yesterday. We were more like the original town aunties who help her with everything. :) Glad you got the reference though!

lovemychildren- unfortunately my daughter is relying on me for too much. I HAVE to let her fail, safely, while she is in the loving arms of home/co-op/childhood so that she can take her consequences and learn to succeed. BUT being super type A it is very very hard for me to be quiet.

Obviously there are certain things I would remind her of, for her own safety such as forgetting her phone, or forgetting to pack water for her long day at the academy. :) But, what if she forgets to dress up for picture day, when they sent numerous emails, annlunced it 3 weeks in a row, and there's a calendar item with two alerts on her iphone and ipad, as well as a note on the fridge? Well, in that case, I think I'd need to be quiet. just an example. BUT it is, really hard for me.

re: I think I'm in an "understood betsy" situation

Glad you're being the Putney cousins instead of Aunt Frances and Aunt Harriet. :-)

re: I think I'm in an "understood betsy" situation

Trying!!!

It's harder to let go with some kids, than it is with others.

re: I think I'm in an "understood betsy" situation

I am definitely not type A but I can be the same way with my daughter. I've slowly given her more autonomy and left more decisions and consequences in her hands and she has really blossomed into a mature and dependable young lady. :-)

The only strategy I can think of for letting her fail, is not to check and see if she's covered everything in the first place so that you are unaware. For example, don't check the bag to make sure she's remembered everything she needs. Then you won't know if she's forgotten something and you won't be tempted to say anything. Ignorance is bliss! :-)

I think we've all had Understood Betsy moments with our kids-at least most of us. We love them so much and are with them all day! It is so easy to fall into the habit of helping them too much!




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